I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
