My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
