fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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