You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
