Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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