I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
