i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
