I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
