I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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