I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
