Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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