She is in my trunk
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
