Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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