God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
