He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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