It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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