just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
