I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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