Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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