I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
