I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
