my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
