nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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