who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
