I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
