If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
