he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
