I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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