the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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