I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
