So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
this is an emotional support booty call
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
