Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
