I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
