nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
