I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
