a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
