Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i think my cat just said my name.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
