Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
