Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
