how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
