My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
