Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also, beer. Big fan.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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