I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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