You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
