either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
