I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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