I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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