This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Watching her eat just hurts me
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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