hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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