Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
