I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
