Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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